Raw. I think that best describes my mood and emotions at the moment. I'm hoping that by typing them out I can move past some of them. I held back a flood of tears for 11/2 hours, and when I got home, the flood gates opened and I can't stop bawling. Not even to sleep after waking up at 5:30 am to get Jackson off to the airport to say goodbye for two years. TIME. There's NeVer enough TIME. ETERNITY is a comforting thought right now. There were moms at the airport who were not crying?! They had big smiles on their face and hugged their missionary goodbye and didn't look back! What the heck?!
The ride home was silent. Paul tried to crack a joke or two, but was met with silence. I wondered what my kids were thinking. They probably can't comprehend what just happened. Today was the first day that James had to be back to work, since the pandemic. That sucks too. I want to drag him into my bed with me to sob. Maybe he could tell me to knock it off. Maybe I just need to be upset right now. I didn't anticipate these intense emotions. When we got home, I heard Alanna announce from the basement that Jackson's room was pretty much empty. I made my way down to check it out, savoring the smell of Jackson's pine soap that he showers with every morning. Bunched up blankets on his bed, deposited checks on his desk, the jar of cheese puffs from Courtney that will probably never be eaten, and a lone pair of swim trunks on his closet shelf. I opened the fridge to see an almost empty chocolate milk carton, and an empty McDonald's soda cup. How long do we leave it just as is? I mean, I know he didn't die, but it sure feels like my little boy is gone. He's been replaced by a man who doesn't NEED us like he did just months ago. The bathroom sink held bits of beard shavings, and for one last time, I washed them down the sink. For years I have thought about this day and tried to maximize the moments, but it isn't ever enough.
How can you ever have enough time with your child! Sure, there were days that I was ready to kick him out into the world so he could learn a lesson or two on his own. But I still knew I would have taken him back in a heartbeat, no matter what he did! Over the last few months, I've wanted to hug him every time he walked by, knowing that the day would shortly come when hugging him wasn't an option. But, men don't love to be hugged by their moms, at least not this one. And now I'm sitting here bawling and wishing I'd have done it anyway. But, it wouldn't have been enough.
Does he really know how much I love him? Did we teach him the important things? Will he want to always come back to us? Will he remember all of the fun we've had, all of the vacations and game nights, smore's by the fire? Will he realize how many people really do love him...grandparents, uncles, aunts, siblings, and cousins? Is he prepared to spread that love to his companions and people he meets in the D.R.? I'm thinking of hundreds of things that I wish I'd done. All of the mothering mistakes I've made. I remember holding him in the bathroom of our townhome in VA, when Jackson was just a few days old. He loved to look up at the lights, and I remember locking eyes with him as I changed his diaper. I felt so humbled and unworthy to be his mother, and I felt lost as to how to care for him correctly. But I loved and still love that kids with all of my heart. So much so that I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped away, and only another mother of missionary would ever understand. Today, the rest of my family will continue to feel uncomfortable with my crying and puffy eyes, but someday they will understand. There is NeVeR enough TIME!
